the 2 a.m theory

oh how i love having the flu. it leaves me up in the middle of the night to create new theories about the world in which we live. i submit to you (i hoped you just vomited in your throat. i give you permission to stop reading since i used that phrase) that cell phones have made mankind less courteous. here are some examples:

first. this one is clear and obvious. when driving, cell phones make people more distracted which of course makes them worse drivers and no longer in tune with the needs of others. a recent study (conducted i dont know where) by some researchers (none of which i know or can find) found that cell phone drivers exhibit the same driving patterns as drunk drivers. its true. tell your friends and neighbors. and drunk drivers arent courteous. unless you consider jumping the center median into oncoming traffic courteous. we here in garbage grove dont.

second. this one sort of goes with the first, but people are no longer kind leaders when driving. before, if someone was following you to a destination, you spent more time looking in your rear view mirror to make sure the person was still there than you did looking at the road. now, people dont even think twice about the person behind them because if they get lost, they can always call. most people would say that this is why cell phones are good, because people can call if they are lost, but life is just as tough for the trailing person. the leader would of course realize this if he didnt have a cell phone and was more courteous. of course the trailer can call if he is lost, but what about before that when he loses the person in front of him but isnt quite sure he is lost. its a miserable few minutes. then he realizes he is lost. has to call. realized he missed the exit and the leader has to stand outside the destination for 10 minutes guiding the trailer to the destination, all because the leader has a cell phone.

third. poeple are no longer punctual with cell phones. before cell phones people had to be on time. if you were going to be late, how could you ever let the other person know? you couldnt. so you left much earlier and made sure you were on time. its not that big of a deal to be on time. on time is out. you can call your friend and tell them you will be 5 minutes late. you dont worry about being late because 1) you know you can call him and tell him that you are running late so you know the person wont leave without you and 2) youre not worried about being late because even if the person has left your meeting point, you can just call and meet up with him whenever you get there.

fourth. people flake out more with cell phones. before, when plans were made over a house phone, once you committed and hung up the phone, you were on the hook. you couldnt get out of it. now, people know that they have until the last second to make the call and flake out. before, people might try and call and flake out, but if the other party had already left for the event, then people felt the obligation to go meet them there even if they didnt want to go. they had made the commitment so they had to follow through. now, people can break the commitment at any time. its this type of commitment breaking attitude that has led to the rise in the number of divorces in our country since 1999. the same year as the cell phone boom. also, most people are lazy by nature. with cell phones and it being so easy to break plans, people make plans, get lazy, give into temptation, make the call, cancel plans, stay at home and 'watch a movie' instead, eat snacks, grow fat, become obese, breed offspring, and eventually have to go on a subway diet and somehow give that annoying subway guy an even larger check than he's already making. seeing guys like him and wondering how much he makes each year off his lame commercials makes me nauseated. ok. we get it. you were huge. you ate one sub a week. starved yourself for the other 6 days. exercised a ton. lost weight and now your milking subway for your cheap story. seriously. go get another job already. apparently you lost weight but didnt lose your lazy work ethic you maintained all so well during your fat days.

fifth. people no longer notice strangers. gone are the days of 'good morning.' or saying hello to a person on the street. or seeing someone with their shoelace stuck on the railroad track and lending a helping hand before the train comes. yes. now all you hear from people on the streets is, 'dude, what happened last night?' or 'so, um. what is it that you have going on today?' (which is basically a way of saying, 'im incapable of interacting with other humans i dont know. im only making this call because i cant just observe the world around me and notice others. after this call ends, my heart will pound out of my chest and ill look nervously around the room until i place another call or someone calls me) or 'hey, how are you?' which is my favorite because i tend to respond to that one sometimes. i really love those awesome new ear pieces that match the belt accessories. those things are superb. especially because now you cant see the phone anymore so you have reason to think that the person is talking to you. but theyre not. of course.

with that all said: i love my chocolate phone. ive been very happy with it. i was hesitant at first, but rather pleased now. for those that dont know the story, here it is real quick: went to buy a new phone. checked out verizon. looked at the chocolate and surprisingly liked it a lot. i went to look at other stores and phone plans but didnt find anything. so i went to a different verizon store fully ready to buy this phone. asked the sales rep what he could tell me about the phone (even though i already knew since the other store's rep had already given me the 15 minute sales pitch), and the rep said:

'i dont really know. only teenagers buy that phone.'

me - 'oh (5 second pause). right. um...but is it a good phone?'

him - 'you know i dont really know. like i said, its just kids that want to buy the phone because they want to use it as an mp3 player.'

me - 'yeah ok. but do you know anyone that has it?'

him - 'no. well, i guess jim (another employee) over there has it. but thats only because he got it for free. i mean, seriously, its just the teenagers that get it.'

anyways, after that i just stood there awkwardly looking and pointing at other phones like i was interested. i then left and went to a different verizon store. i really wanted the phone, but after that last interaction i was seriously doubting my decision. so i called up my roommate zach who is still a teenager at heart (mainly because he still dates them) and had him meet up with me and give me some support in my purchase. purchase was made. songs were added. stevie was recorded. and the white chocolate and i have been jerks ever since.