Summer Movies

Nellie has been requesting a summer movie post. Once upon a time this was an annual event here at Kent Drive. I missed last year and it seemed like the tradition may have died. But like this blog in general, we just aren't ready to kill if off entirely.

So when it comes to movies, summer now starts in April, which is why I'm a little late with this post. Two summer blockbusters have already come out: Fast Five and Thor. I have done my American duty and seen both of them. Fast Five was terrific. Just horribly awesome at so many moments. Lots of ridiculous stunts. A mediocre plot line that felt a lot like Oceans 11. And the greatest ensemble of bad actors ever in a movie. Just fantastically bad. Bill Simmons and Adam Corolla did a podcast breaking down the movie. If you have an hour to kill or need some comedy in your life, give it a listen. I think my favorite line might be Adam Corolla describing Vin Diesel as "Sylvester Stallone if Stallone had been hit over the head with a snow shovel." So spot on. He's Sly Stallone, only a little slower and dumber, if that is possible.

The podcast is here if you want to listen. It's the 4/28 podcast. Speaking of podcasts...

Thor was also good summer fun. Not exactly life changing or anything. But an entertaining shut off your brain summer movie. Had some plot questions and left a little to be desired in some spots. But had decent character development and a good story line.

Anyways, it seems like everything this summer is either a sequel or an action hero/Marvel movie, or both. Here is an interesting article from GQ about why that is. Sort of a sad story for movies in general. Don't get me wrong, summer movies are fun, but there really isn't much creativity or new ideas in the summer movies.

Not really sure how to organize this, so we'll just count them down in order of likelihood I'll be seeing it.

So here we go:

Zookeeper



Sadly, there is actually a decent chance I will see this movie, just not in the theater. When you have 40+ nieces and nephews, movies like this get screened at family gatherings because it fits under the guise of "family fun for all ages." But that's a lie. No respectable family should and does have fun watching this movie, regardless of age. I just showed this trailer to Win and he started crying.

Planet of the Apes



I don't know. Sort of looks good. But also just can't get myself excited to see this. It's a mob movie for me. If I'm swept up in a mob of people wanting to go see it then I'll go, but I definitely won't be instigating that mob.

Pirates 4: Something Something Johnny Depp



This one actually looks decent. The problem is that the previous two were so long and such abominations that I have zero desire to pay money to see this. They were able to make a great movie out of a theme park attraction, then milked it for all they could by giving us 6 hours of roaming and bumbling nothingness.

I think the script looked something like this:

Roam around and pretend like we are after something.

Johnny Deep funny talking.

Action running around with Orlando Bloom. Use swords.

Keira Knightly. Use snaggletooth.

Repeat 5x.

Resolve all "plot lines" by good guys getting the thing they needed but not that other thing they will need in next installment.

And now they think they can redeem themselves by making a quality film and pretend like 2 and 3 never happened and charge us $17 in the meantime? I don't know if that is their actual plan but I'm going to assume it is and I won't stand for it.

Speaking of terrible sequels:

Transformers 3: Dark (Side) of the Moon



Yea for disaster porn. I hope that Pink Floyd is somehow suing Michael Bay and the entire Tranformers Movie Organization (TMO) for that title.

Admittedly, like Pirates, this one does look better than the previous ones. But if the incessant pounding noise (ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bum!) in the preview is any foreshadowing of the in your face unnecessarily loud sounds and images that are bound to dominate the movie, then I think I'll pass.

Harry Potter



Just because this movie follows the previous two, doesn't mean I view it the same. I just don't do Harry Potter. I'm not anti Potter, I just never read the series. I read book one and enjoyed it, just didn't continue with the rest of them. No good reason. Just life and ESPN I guess. I've seen parts of other movies and I was just lost. I didn't see the first half of this one, not sure why I would pay $14 to see the second half. I'm sure it will be good and will literally make a billion dollars. Hopefully in 30 years when they are making the movies again I'll have read the books by then and I can see the second installment.


Winnie the Pooh

When literally the world is seeing Harry Potter on opening weekend, this is where that one other person that didn't read Harry Potter and I will be:



Yes please. Lie to me and tell me you didn't smile and laugh at least 4 or 5 times during that trailer. If that doesn't make you feel happy, I don't know what could.

As I typed that Nellie just said she didn't really like Winnie the Pooh growing up. This is troubling and information I wish I knew prior to making eternal commitments with her. You know what Nellie does love? Target. Actual quote from last week as we walked in the store:

"Target is so great. I just love it. Guys don't love this place as much as women do, huh?"

Me: No response. Just mentally bracing myself for the dent this trip was going to make in our bank account.

I don't know if Target pumps Brad Pitt's musk through their vents or what sort of mind games they pull on women, but they have them locked down.

Cars 2



Ugh Pixar. I sort of hate you for making this movie. I actually don't hate you. I really like you. But I was genuinely bored in Cars and I have little desire to see a sequel. It's just that, after what you pulled in Up and Toy Story 3, I can't help but want to support you with everything you do. I just hope this isn't as boring as the first one. Not that it really matters though. I'll still see it and show up next summer for whatever it is that you will be rolling out.

The Tree of Life



This film was screened last night at Cannes to mixed/poor reviews. I'm still excited to see it. Terrence Malick movies are long and can be slow, but only if you don't know what to expect. Not that I know exactly what to expect with this movie, but it's likely going to be a lot of just dialogue and pondering issues. Which can be good in some moments. Not exactly an ideal summer movie though.

Captain America



Eh. Ok. A buff man with a pistol and no apparent superpowers is coming to fight the Nazis. Not terribly impressed. At least give him a shotgun or a chainsaw as an arm or something. Nope. He's got six bullets and a hubcap. Better use them wisely. I'm gonna bet there are a few times throughout the movie where he uses at least 14-15 rounds before reloading.

X Men




What they never show in the X-Men movies is the X-man or woman that has the advanced brain. They always have planes that are centuries ahead of every one else. Presumably this movie takes place in the 50's with the Cuban Missile Crisis. The X-Men come cruising along to prevent the crisis and they show up in some incredibly advanced plane. It was the same way in the previous movies. The X-Men aren't just freaks of nature, but they are apparently also freaky smart when it comes to building planes. Unfortunately, it seems as though their technology advancements only apply to flying crafts. Can't they apply their superior brain power to other areas? Maybe just invent superior weapons. Might be easier than trying to stop a bunch of rockets with the strong magnet in your hand. Also might get the US government to respect you more.

Larry Crowne



Need to break up all the superhero stuff. How about with some Tom Hanks? Sure, he's usually a good relief. Doesn't necessarily look like the best Tom Hanks movie and hopefully it's not as predictable as the trailer implies. But I'm pretty sure there are worse chick-flicks to have to go to.

Green Lantern



So I wasn't all interested in this movie until I saw the extended trailer from above. Now I'm totally on board. Granted, I sort of have a thing for Ryan Reynolds. I know he annoys a lot of people, but I usually find him pretty entertaining. One of those people that generally plays the same-ish character in each movie. I tend to like his one character, so I'm usually on board.

Super 8



The coach from Friday Night Lights meets Unstoppable with the alternate train crash ending meets Independence Day or maybe even Signs. Aliens are synonymous with summer. This one looks like it will be quality and at least worth the price of admission. I'll grace it with my presence. I know Spielberg will appreciate it.

Cowboys and Aliens



Still not sure what is going on here. We know it's a western and presumably set in that time period. Aliens also seem to attack. And some naked girl keeps on showing up. Not sure if she is an alien or a confused citizen that often forgets her clothes.

Regardless, I like the idea, and the actors. You can't beat James Bond. It's about time he started fighting aliens and not just the Russians in every movie. Plus, it puts Harrison Ford back on a horse, which is really where he belongs. He wasn't on a horse much in the last Indiana Jones movie and you saw how that turned out. Hopefully being on a horse will make this alien encounter bearable. It's directed by Jon Favereau. He did the Iron Man movies, so I feel like this has to be good.

At the same time, it also seems like it has the potential to be sort of lame. Sort of a gamble for the top of this list. But with so few gambles this summer and everyone going for the sure thing and safe bet, I feel like a movie that gambled should be awarded the top spot on this illustrious list. Hopefully it turns out to be a big winner.